In Defense of Backyard Breaks

Just kidding, those guys are the worst. 

Breakers need new ambassadors. And they need them fast. 

You can’t have grifters get popular and just become the face of the breaking industry unchecked. Most of them are terrible on air; some are outright thieves… and that’s before you get into the unedited anything-goes Wild West that breeds the gross empire-toppling commentary on an imagined 6-year-old daughter’s implants. And OnlyFans account. And… I’m just going to stop there. (If you aren’t familiar with the scandal, you can watch the NSFW video here or check out this change.org petition calling for to get them banned from basically the whole card industry).

Companies hosting breaks need to program the good shows and breakers into peak slots, like they’re CBS. And they need to gatekeep the bad ones out. Whatnot (and Fanatics and eBay and Loupe and whoever) should be shouting from the rooftops “We have an awesome show, you can also buy cards during it, tune in at 8 for Women on Topps.” Instead you get to choose between a bunch of breakers with little context outside of their product and some cover art. Good luck to you, wanderer. Hopefully you pick the right breaker tonight and not one talking about… stuff! 

I’ve mentioned my stanning of Women On Topps here before. Over the weekend, she posted this on her Instagram account:

Of course, there’s a thread on Mantel about if you want to chime in on the general situation (not specific to Annemarie’s), but one of the comments in her IG post struck me as so dumb…

Thank you Burner Account! But here’s a much more important takeaway — if the most famous breakers are abhorrent grifters doing bad “shock jock” impersonations, then outsiders and newcomers are going to paint all breakers as abhorrent grifters doing bad “shock jock” impersonations. It is called a stereotype, and The Breaker is currently a bro wearing a backwards hat, making old Will Ferrell movie jokes (at best), weighing packs at Target, bum-rushing kids at Costco for Pokemon cases, swapping hits for lesser hits offscreen (and hoping nobody notices), and not understanding any LeMeme James jokes – because you are the jokes. 

Remember Blake’s Breaks? The Wander mascot card? Any other of hundreds of breakers behaving badly? This isn’t one shop’s problem, it’s a plague. And if someone doesn’t get proactive, it’s going to happen again. And again. While the BYB mess may rightfully sink one guy (while the other good smart hardworking kids will be back… I guess), there are plenty more issues at play that will turn off millions of normal people poking around.

1. A lot of breakers don’t send you all the cards for the team you buy. If you’re new to breaking, your first time will be your last. You will buy a Blue Jays Bowman Chrome spot for $75 and get two autographed cards of mid-level players in the mail a few weeks later. I like cards! I want all the ones I thought I just paid for. Is that too much to ask? And furthermore, did I just pay for you to hoard Bowman 1sts for years and sell them when one of my Blue Jays breaks out in 2027? This is…fun?

2. These are not people who should be making content. With all kinds of talented radio and video people out there who can host 2-3 hour shows, why haven’t more companies gone out and hired laid off sports radio hosts? Backwards Hat Bro – with zero media experience – sitting at his computer for 45 minutes while his iTunes playlist runs, saying “hey guys, need 7 more to get going” isn’t good TV. And then when the break starts? Also not good TV. Go watch Bob Ross for a half hour. He’d paint, he’d tell a story, he’d philosophize. He never commented on his imaginary daughter’s OnlyFans account. Which leads me to… 

3. Most breakers don’t care about the cards. Cards are little pieces of art. They have cool blurbs on the back. They’re painstakingly designed and styled and photos are chosen with deliberation. And breakers rifle through them with pure and gleeful disdain, at breakneck speed, searching for hits. You’re a video show about cards, trying to attract card lovers, and you don’t care, even a little bit, about these cards. People aren’t coming back after that. Why would they? 

I have more. I’ll save them for a rainy day. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN, but man… it’s frustrating. 

This whole Backyard Breaks thing has taken attention away from what’s really important: The Athletic’s Larry Holder got an exclusive with the parents of “The 11 Year Old” who pulled the Paul Skenes Debut Patch Auto and all of our questions were answered:

-he is real!

-it was a Christmas gift!

-they did try other auction houses before Fanatics Collect!

-there were other gifts under the tree (books!)

This kid even wants to give some of the money from the card sale to his brother for college. I mean, come on people!! How could we have thought this was ever fake?? It’s the heartwarming story we all need right now!!

Time for a hot take: The Jackson Holliday “FUN FACE” bat knob 1/1 might actually be a better card than the Skenes, when you think about it. The timing (coming off a .189, 5 HR rookie season at age 20) stinks, but the Holliday buzz is being completely drowned out by the Skenes patch being found. 

Both players were No. 1 overall picks, both cards are 1/1. Both are rookie cards. Both have somewhat contrived (still pretty awesome… but still contrived) relics. Skenes’ rookie season will forever blow away Holliday’s, but if Holliday can – even in the next couple years – reach close to his potential, it’ll be easier to maintain excellence as a hitter than the harder path Skenes will face as a pitcher. 

The regular FUN FACE cards (in several variations) are still selling for a good amount, but a Series 2 hobby box can be had for about $125. Now that the Skenes 1/1 Update chase is over, looking for a Holliday SSP could be kind of… fun! THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN!!

I know you expect a certain amount of weirdness from this newsletter, so please meet the 1893 Lorillard Ancient Mythology (N256) cards, via the great @prewarcards account. 

Pre-War Card Collector is, however, leaving out one important word in the name of these cards: “Burlesqued.”

At some point in 1891-ish, I assume a tobacco executive was like, “we need something sexy,” and another said, “we need goddesses!” and a third meekly added, “with butterfly wings!” And before you say I’m not appreciating the history and origin of these, may I direct your attention to the esteemed Metropolitan Museum of Art, which apparently had one on display at one point and… is absolutely no help with any explanation. So we’re going with the simplest explanation — a horny mid-1890s breaker some tobacco people adding one element too many and creating a very weird but interesting set — to buy a few of them 132 years later. 

I had three other awesome topics to write about today – we didn’t even get into the Don Julio x Popeye’s tumbler I almost stood in line for when I was in NYC this weekend and is now selling for $175. And for real is selling for $175, not one of those “a bunch are listed for $175” absurdities. 

But a breaker had to, as always, ruin the fun and make us get all serious up top. 

Listen, stick with the good ones, HAVE FUN, forget about the noise. The bad breakers will fade away and have very few job options left. And karma will make sure they have all sons. But seek out and support the good ones. And since this newsletter is an offshoot of a community of awesome collectors? I started thread on Mantel asking people who the good breakers are, and it sounds like there are plenty. You’re welcome, have a lovely week, and please don’t bid up my Burlesqued goddesses!